Masquerade!

What makes you who you truly are?

I was reading Maskerade (as in the Discworld novel) the other day. The book draws on The Phantom of the Opera for aspects of it's plot. Both include a Ghost who wears a mask to change himself- in one case because of a disfiguring scar, in the other it gives him a totally different personality, with much more confidence and ability.

As well as concluding that I'm the character Agnes (cursed with a nice personality and an ability to keep her head, while others panic, faint gracefully and grab the limelight; however sadly I don't have the ability to sing in harmony with myself!)- shame that witching as a career is out of the question!- the book lead me to think about masks.

Some people construct themselves a mask to hide their true feelings, to protect themselves. I know some people like that. Maybe it's because they don't like who they are, or are afraid of what people will think of them. They want to be more popular, to appear more confident. They present a face to the world that is tougher, more witty, more worldly than they themselves are. They hide their true feelings, the hurts they suffer, the disappointments, the secret ambitions and desires, and present to the world what they think other people will want to see.

But the trouble with masks is that they slip. And they don't change what's going on inside. Maybe it can help, for a while or in certain circumstances. But I want to be who I am, to become even more so, to be the person God designed me to be. And hiding behind a mask I've constructed can't do that. I can't make myself someone else entirely (and I wouldn't want to anyway), and trying to become someone else means you loose something that makes you you. And that's a precious thing. Each of us is unique, reflecting (I believe) an aspect of God. So if we're continually trying to be someone else (the latest celebrity or hero from a film, book or history) we're not going to be happy. We can only do that by learning to be happy with ourselves, and with who we are in relation to God.

The word hypocrite apparently means "someone who has decided to act or speak under a false part – to wear a mask." (WordLive, 19th November 2008). To be a hypocrite is therefore to pretend to be someone or something you're not, or to believe one thing yet act in a way that contradicts that belief.

In Tom Holt's book Earth, Air, Fire and Custard Paul Carpenter is so fed up with being who he is (a total looser) that he changes his appearance and pretends to be a different person. This allows him to become the person who he wants to be- who in fact is actually him, but because he stops feeling that he's a looser he doesn't feel bad or ashamed of himself, has more confidence and actually is a much better person. In a way that's what I need. More confidence in myself to allow me to become more fully me. But where that's going to come from (other than God) I don't know.