Cell

Tonight is my cell group, my church's version of home or small groups where about 6-12 people worship and pray and look at the Bible together. (Not 'cell' as in 'terrorist cell' or 'prison cell'! Cell as in the biological sense, small bits that make up a larger body, the church.) I love being part of a cell, but it can be hard work. Especially at the moment. So many of the people in my cell are struggling with different issues, from health in the broadest sense, to job searching, to considering what God wants them to do in the future. And in many cases, since most of my cell are a generation or so older than I am, they're concerned for the same issues in their children and grandchildren, or care for their parents.

But it's cell tonight, and I'm feeling apprehensive. Because I so often seem to come away having taken on so much, but not been able to tell them about what's concerning me. There are people with so much sadness in their lives, I empathise with them and share their troubles. And there are people there who have problems that are far worse than I've ever had to experience, and hope I never shall.

So it can be quite tough, listening to everybody's troubles and committing to praying for them. Not that I resent it in the slightest, that's the point of cell, to be a community where we can all support one another. Those who are going through better times comfort those going through harder times.

But I feel that often they don't realise that I have things which trouble me as much as theirs do them. What to me seems highly important they often see as relatively trivial. For example, much of their concern is for their family. But I don't have children and grandchildren like they do. What I do have is friends who to me can be as important as family members. If I tell them about a trouble a friend is having, they may not rank it as something that's important as if it were a family member, but to me it matters as much, because my friends are the people around me as their family are around them. So it can feel as if my worries and fears are being trivialised.

One cell member even said to me a few weeks ago, when I'd tried to explain that I was struggling with loneliness: "in a few years you'll meet someone and things will be different." Well, perhaps (although it doesn't seem particularly likely just now) but that's hardly helpful now. Because you think something will be different in the future doesn't mean it's not important to me now, that it doesn't still make me feel terrible. In fact, what you've just said has made me feel worse, because what if that doesn't happen? And why should I have to wait? What I want is someone to listen when I'm upset, and not to trivialise what I'm feeling and tell me (in essence) that it'll be better when I grow up properly!

Because of this, I find it hard to share my sadnesses and worries, so don't always say when something's troubling me. I think that the others will think it is a trivial matter, and won't bother to remember (often if we're rushed for time, people only remember to pray for the things they thought were important. And yes, other people's needs are often more important than mine).

So I feel I'm just taking on other people's troubles and no one is taking from me. Which isn't how it's supposed to work. But I don't know how to say that without sounding attention-seeking, as if I'm trying to make a big deal of something that isn't. And I don't like drawing attention to myself. So I put up with it, and often come away feeling alone (most of the others are married couples) and oppressed with other people's and my own sadness. And not sure how to deal with it. If you're a praying person, please pray for me.