I woke up this morning in the same mood I went to bed in: somewhat melancholy and wistful. The reasons are complicated, and partly to do with an ongoing situation which I'm not happy with, but partly to do with what I was thinking about last night.
Friends had asked me to look after their hamster and water their vegetable plants while they're on holiday. I was quite happy to agree, but it was only afterwards that I was thinking that it was rather a grown-up request. He's a year or so older than me and she is a year younger, they've been married almost a year, and although I'm not suggesting that anyone's life is perfect, in some ways I can't help feeling a little jealous.
Sometimes I feel that I- and probably other people in a similar phase of life- have most of the responsibilities of adulthood- being expected to support and take care of one's self, and probably others to some degree; not being able to get away with things that people would excuse in children or students- you get the idea. But at the same time we don't get the benefits or rewards of being grown up. People still- at least in my case- refuse much of the time to treat me as a proper adult; because I look younger than I am and still have friends who are students, because I'm single, because I don't have a proper graduate job, because I share a house with other people rather than living alone or being married, which is of course the ultimate sign that you are an adult, apart perhaps from having children.
It's not really loneliness, I have some great friends who I know I can trust and rely on- much as I poke fun at some of them! It's more a sort of wistfulness for things I don't have and don't really expect to have, at least any time soon. And a feeling that in some ways, I'm missing out. When you've grown up, as I have, with older parents you can't ignore that at some point in your life you are going to need people close to you to help you, usually family. You also can't ignore the fact that while your contemporaries' parents will be there for them for a good while yet, yours are already approaching the stage where they are the ones needing help. Perhaps knowing that they won't be here forever is one of the things making me somewhat envious of those who have found someone who will always be there for them.
Working in a solicitors' where we see a fair number of people coming in to discuss care for their elderly relatives probably adds to the feeling, as does the sheer number of friends' weddings taking place this year. It's also something it's quite hard to talk about. When I say jealous, I don't mean resentful. I'm glad my friends are happy in that respect, and I recognise too that they have their problems and worries.
I like to try and resolve these posts and put something positive at the end. But I'm struggling here. It's not that I'm incredibly upset or anything about this, it's just a sort of background feeling that's occasionally brought to the fore by something, and makes me go quiet and thoughtful for a bit. In a way trying to rationalise feelings doesn't really work, because they're not completely rational. I guess I need to remember that I have got some great friends, even if they're not all as close as I would like, and that I have a lot to be glad about. And to avoid sitting in church feeling annoyed because certain preachers assume that everyone is (or at least soon will be) married.
P.S. And to continue the theme of the day... news that another baby will be joining my extended family. So come Christmas I'll be getting yet more of the 'when will it be your turn?' questions and looks. Ah well!
I'm jealous of the same people :) but in a good way, if that makes any sense, 'cause I love them both and want them to be happy with each other... just jealous! :D
ReplyDeleteI think I know what you mean anyway, I'm fed up with feeling that because I'm not part of a "hardworking family" (those people who make Britain great!) and because I don't own a house or have an office job or a husband or children, that I'm somehow not a real adult. Drives me bonkers...
A couple of years ago, a friend who happens to be a member of the same Church and I were discussing some stuff, and quite randomly (well, I felt so) the issue of Childbearing came up; this person would be something like 35 and married without kids. It struck me that something must be seriously wrong if a church regularly leaves people in that situation feeling quite as bitter about the whole thing.
ReplyDeleteOther than that, ditto on the jealousy thing. I used to be really suspicious of myself when I felt that way, because I just assumed that deep down I must fancy the female involved. I think society kind of taught me to assume envy only happens when you wish someone was with you instead, and actually it usually isn't that way for me.
But yes, the church in Britain desperately needs to learn what Jesus meant when he said "by this will all know that you are my disciples, that you have love for one another". To me, thats an indication that people need to be family to one another.