Growing up

It appears I am actually, despite all appearances, (and some people's opinions) growing up.  Recently I was getting worried that I might be turning into my father, since I'd noticed some of his traits and temprament in myself.  Not a good thing.  I'm hoping some recent events were mostly a biproduct of being stressed and not an actual trend towards getting angry when things didn't go right. 

And yet now it seems I was wrong.  I actually appear to be turning into my mother.  Sometimes I sound like her, talk about the same things, laugh like her, even sometimes look like her or use her expressions.  For ages it's been a joke amongst some of my friends that I'm something of a parent (ever since I started counting people when we were in Edinburgh a few years ago...).  It probably has something to do with me almost invariably being the one who notices when the house is low on toilet roll, or a bill needs paying; and always having a tissue or safety pin.

For the last two or three years I've been going through what my friends and I call 'the marriage phase' where pretty much everyone I knew at uni or from church was getting married.  Nowadays I struggle to think of couples among my friends who've been together more than a couple of months and who aren't married or engaged.  Not that this is a bad thing at all, it's just one of those phases.

But it seems this phase is beginning to come to an end.  So far there's only four or so weddings of couples I know happening this year.  It's moving on.  The 'baby phase' is beginning.  Several couples, mostly two or three years older than me but including one where the wife is younger than me, are having or have had their first child this year.

It's interesting to observe.  It's even more interesting to see on Facebook that people from my year at secondary school have children  who are now several years old.  And yet at least one friend is still surprised by the youth of the brides/grooms/parents who are a year or two older than me.  Is there an 'average' age for these things?  My circle of friends is affected by the number of Christians (especially of the evangelical, no sex outside marriage, sort) and perhaps this distorts the numbers in favour of early marriage.  But the age of the couple leaving full time education seems to affect this too, as many of those I knew who left school at 16 or 18 are already parents compared to those who I know from university. 

Perceptions of the family, and therefore the ages of each stage have changed throughout history.  What 'family' can be said to mean now is an endless debate.  I was amused to realise that according to official surveys and suchlike, I would probably be considered the head of my 'household' as the main income earner.  Is that why I seem to be taking on the role of a parent?  I doubt it- I think it's just the curse of being well organised!

So do I mind that I'm turning into my mother?  Not really.  It seems I'm destined to 'mother' the people around me, to care about them and worry about them, to try to help and look after them.  But it could be worse!

Advent 09- Family

We are, of course, getting close to Christmas.  Traditionally this is the time when families get together to celebrate.  This can make it a difficult time, when tempers fray and patience is stretched.  But families, however hard we may find them to deal with sometimes, can be great things.  They can support and help us, emotionally, financially, spiritually.

I'm using family in a loose sense here.  If you look at some of my previous posts you'll see why I think family is something which is nearly impossible to define.  My family is by no means a simple example of the nuclear family- half siblings abound, and whenever I try explaining to someone that I was a great aunt from the age of four the room tends to go silent while everyone works out how that's possible.  I have four half-siblings, but grew up as an only child because they were so much older.  I have (currently) six nieces and three nephews, four great nephews and one great niece, yet only one of all these has ever called me aunt, and that was on facebook!

Now I live away from my parents, housemates and friends tend to take on some of the roles of family members.  I know I sometimes find myself taking on the motherly role in my house.  I enjoy the freedom of not having to consider the needs and wishes of my parents whenever I want to do something (not that I ignore those of my housemates, I hope!) but sometimes it's nice to know that there is someone around who is connected to you by more than friendship, someone who won't loose touch with you when you move away.

I'm aware that I owe a lot to my family for all they have done for me.  My life would have been very different, I wouldn't have learnt the things I have or had the experiences that have made me who I am.  I am especially glad that through them I was able to find out about Jesus.  Relationships with parents aren't always easy, and this is certainly true for me.  But I am incredibly grateful for them, even if I don't always show it.  So I want to give thanks for parents and for family, for they are a Good Thing.

One of those personal posts

I woke up this morning in the same mood I went to bed in: somewhat melancholy and wistful. The reasons are complicated, and partly to do with an ongoing situation which I'm not happy with, but partly to do with what I was thinking about last night.

Friends had asked me to look after their hamster and water their vegetable plants while they're on holiday. I was quite happy to agree, but it was only afterwards that I was thinking that it was rather a grown-up request. He's a year or so older than me and she is a year younger, they've been married almost a year, and although I'm not suggesting that anyone's life is perfect, in some ways I can't help feeling a little jealous.

Sometimes I feel that I- and probably other people in a similar phase of life- have most of the responsibilities of adulthood- being expected to support and take care of one's self, and probably others to some degree; not being able to get away with things that people would excuse in children or students- you get the idea. But at the same time we don't get the benefits or rewards of being grown up. People still- at least in my case- refuse much of the time to treat me as a proper adult; because I look younger than I am and still have friends who are students, because I'm single, because I don't have a proper graduate job, because I share a house with other people rather than living alone or being married, which is of course the ultimate sign that you are an adult, apart perhaps from having children.

It's not really loneliness, I have some great friends who I know I can trust and rely on- much as I poke fun at some of them! It's more a sort of wistfulness for things I don't have and don't really expect to have, at least any time soon. And a feeling that in some ways, I'm missing out. When you've grown up, as I have, with older parents you can't ignore that at some point in your life you are going to need people close to you to help you, usually family. You also can't ignore the fact that while your contemporaries' parents will be there for them for a good while yet, yours are already approaching the stage where they are the ones needing help. Perhaps knowing that they won't be here forever is one of the things making me somewhat envious of those who have found someone who will always be there for them.

Working in a solicitors' where we see a fair number of people coming in to discuss care for their elderly relatives probably adds to the feeling, as does the sheer number of friends' weddings taking place this year. It's also something it's quite hard to talk about. When I say jealous, I don't mean resentful. I'm glad my friends are happy in that respect, and I recognise too that they have their problems and worries.

I like to try and resolve these posts and put something positive at the end. But I'm struggling here. It's not that I'm incredibly upset or anything about this, it's just a sort of background feeling that's occasionally brought to the fore by something, and makes me go quiet and thoughtful for a bit. In a way trying to rationalise feelings doesn't really work, because they're not completely rational. I guess I need to remember that I have got some great friends, even if they're not all as close as I would like, and that I have a lot to be glad about. And to avoid sitting in church feeling annoyed because certain preachers assume that everyone is (or at least soon will be) married.

P.S. And to continue the theme of the day... news that another baby will be joining my extended family. So come Christmas I'll be getting yet more of the 'when will it be your turn?' questions and looks. Ah well!

The career dilemma strikes again

I've just had my appraisal at work. It went pretty well, which since filling in the form beforehand I was having to try hard not to say I was bored and spent over half my time at work writing blogs or wasting time on Facebook! Actually, it was quite a positive thing, and far less embarrassing than I'd worried, and it looks like there might be some positive outcomes, from actually getting a contract at last to being able to get experience in some useful skills that I can put on application forms. Perhaps the people who won't accept developing procedures to put on G&S shows or make cafes at church run smoothly as valid job experience will accept developing an inter-office client referral procedure?

One thing that did worry me a bit was when the person appraising me started asking about whether I'd decided what to do with my life, and when I said I wasn't sure started warning me about falling into the trap of being pigeon-holed as a receptionist, and not seen as capable of doing anything else by employers (since I couldn't even get a full time reception job I applied for I don't think I'm even in a good enough position to worry about that!) or, basically, of just wasting my skills not deciding to do anything. Although, he said, I'm still young enough to escape that.

The trouble is, it's not so much that I'm putting off deciding what to do with my life, it's more that I have a pretty good idea, but the plan hasn't started working yet. Perhaps, in the long term, that's not a bad thing. When I graduated nearly three years ago (eek, THAT long!) I just wanted a job- practically any job, preferably not deadly dull- that would keep me for a couple of years while I grew up a bit and tested some of the ideas I had. The getting a job- even any job- bit proved tricky, and in the current economic climate only gets trickier. Growing up hasn't happened yet (well, in some ways it has but in others I don't think it ever will!) and although I've tested ideas and have more of an idea what I'd like to do, carrying that into action proved impossible. Because, I was told, I needed to do more or less what I've just said- get a job and get older. You can see the problem.

So here I am. In some ways, things aren't too bad- I'd like the extra money from a full time job, enough to mean I wasn't continually worrying from month to month about being able to pay the bills. But I like the freedom of part time work. I'd like something more interesting too, but I have a job and think myself fortunate in that. But it doesn't seem to be good enough that I'm nearly twenty-four and have a couple of years' varied work experience. The benefits of being young don't seem to count for anything either, not does the fact that although young in age, I'm used to dealing with older people and have (not wishing to boast) a rather more mature way of thinking than many twenty-somethings. Sadly the person who thinks I'm too young probably doesn't know me well enough to realise this!

Perhaps I'm worrying about this too much. Perhaps, since it's nearly a year since I was too young, I should see if anything has changed. Perhaps a year's wait is long enough, perhaps I'll have learnt whatever they thought was missing. Perhaps people who talk to me will find out enough to see beyond the initial judgement of 'too young.' Perhaps...but enough perhapses for one post. I'm just thinking aloud!

My 50th post

I believe this will be the 50th post on this blog. So, congratulations me! (ha ha)

To celebrate, here's some thought on a meeting I attended last night. My church's APCM (Annual parocial church meeting, or "Amazing party for church members" as a curate tried to rename it!)

Since this was my fourth AGM or EGM of this year (ie, since January) I'm beginning to feel quite a connisseur of these type of meetings. This one was particularly interesting because it was the first of this type that I had attended.

I found out some interesting things in the course of the meeting. Of the 700+ people who attend the church, there are 462 on the electoral roll (ie, people who are eligible to vote at the APCM). I suppose that's not too bad a proportion when you consider the nature of our church. What did amuse me is that apparently of those 462, only three live within the parish. I suppose with a city centre parish with few residential properties that's inevitable, but it does make me think. What difference would it make if all those people went to their local parish churches? What difference to the parish churches? What difference to local communities? Of course, I understand why people don't. I'm one of them.

Of those 462, around 80-90 appeared to be present at the meeting. Some of the same questions arise as they do in national politics, when a decision is taken at a meeting by a majority of 50-odd which will affect how the church is run.

The main decision to be made was to reduce the size of the church council to a more workable number. I can easily imagine how difficult it is to make decisions with a group of nearly 4o- I've been on committees of 12 that have struggled to do that! I also understand some of the objections being raised that ordinary members might struggle to make their voices heard under the new scheme. Although whether it's any different now is another matter.

However, the problem seemed to be epitomised for me by one section of the evening. 7 people needed to be elected to the council for the next year, until the new arrangement comes into place, to replace members who were retiring. Only one person stood for election. If so few people, even within those who are interested in the way the church is run (and people who weren't didn't need to come to the meeting) are willing to stand for election and do something about it, surely there's a problem. How can people complain about getting their voice heard if they're not willing to do something themselves?

I think one of the problems is that people like me, who haven't been in the church for thirty years (and didn't even grow up in the Anglican tradition) don't necessarily understand what the role of the PCC is, or what it does, or what being on it means committing oneself to. Also, the younger people may often think that it's a job for older people, although I think a balance of some younger people, of the type who haven't been here for a couple of decades, would be good. Sometimes it seems to me that there are a group of people who do these jobs, and other people don't even think about doing them, because there's a perception (created I don't know how) that you have to be asked to join that group.

People may also see other areas as more exciting and more important to be involved in. Administrate or financial procedures and oversight may not sound the most exciting, but being right at the centre of church decision making should be exciting and interesting. These are our leaders, there to support the clergy and help them understand God's will for the church. We should value and pray for them. Or so I see it.

Just to add to the confusion...

not only do I not know how old I am, I'm also no longer sure when my birthday is! One friend texted me a happy birthday message yesterday (it's so unusual for him to be early, I wonder whether it was actually a very very late message from last year?!), then had Happy Birthday sung to me along with a card and cake at church today. Whereas it's not my actual birthday until the day after tomorrow, and my party's two days after that! So I'm obviously spreading the fun out as long as possible...I need something to cheer me up!

How old am I?

You might think that's a simple question. But it appears not. My 23rd birthday is at the end of this week, but am I really 23?

A week or so ago I was told that I was currently too young for the career I was looking at. I was fed up of being looked down on as "young" and not being given the chance to try to do new things because of my age. But then my church home group (mostly in their 40's and 50's) were trying to work out how old I was, and estimates ranged from 26 to 30! Then, in another group of friends, it was assumed that I was the oldest, despite one person there being two years older than me! The fact that I always seem to be the "mother" figure, handing out suncream, handwipes and generally organising people (even though I have no authority to do so, or even any plan beyond making it up as I go along) must be having some effect on people's minds!

So, people who know me seem to assume that I'm older than I actually am. Whereas people who don't know me particularly well judge from appearances (I can't help being small or looking young, and don't particularly want to change that!) and from my chronological age. A personality test I did when I was 16 suggested that my results were more typical of a 35 year old. But how can I get the fact that I'm (seemingly) more mature than my chronological age would suggest across to people? For example in interviews, when sounding like someone with experience rather than a naive graduate is certainly beneficial?

Any suggestions gratefully recieved!

Paul, in his first letter to Timothy tells him, "Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity." Although I can't claim to be a shining example of any of those things, I wish more people would pay more attention to Paul's words to a young and timid church leader in need of encouragement. How can anyone to gain experience without someone taking a risk and letting them have a go, make mistakes and learn from them? Without new people coming in, any organisation runs the risk of stagnating and, in a world where not to move forwards is to move backwards, that's a dangerous road. If Paul trusted the young, why can't people today?