2009

2009 hasn't been a bad year.  That's not to say there haven't been times when I've felt very down, times when I've been saddened, upset, angry, frustrated.  In fact, in many ways my life doesn't seem to have changed from where I was this time last year.  Much of what I wrote then is still true.  If anything, I think perhaps I feel a little further away from God just at the moment than I did then- and I'm not happy with that.  As every month, every year passes without any of the things I want- and feel God wants me to be like or do- coming closer it seems to get harder to trust, but I know I have to keep trying.

But 2009 was also a year with many 'ups.'  Time spent with friends, my first opportunities at principal parts in G&S (although that has caused a fair bit of stress, too- sorry directors!) holidays, passing my driving test, little things that make life worthwhile.  Knowing that some people care about me- even if I often forget and feel lonely.  And not least being grateful that even if my job isn't great, at least I have one.

In some ways the above is also a fair summary of the last ten years.  There were some times, some years when I felt really dreadful, as if everything was crashing around me, and I've frequently felt a failure.  And there were times when I began to discover true friendship and joy and freedom as I'd never know them before.  Times when I was scared even of things I knew how to do, and times when I was thrilled to try new experiences.  But although I've often felt lonely I've always known I'm not alone.  And that won't change.


And to round it off, here's some of my favourite posts from last year.  I got quite excited when I realised that I'd written exactly 100 posts in 2009!

Journeys
Equality of the sexes?  Not yet.
Rental Rant
Would women have caused the credit crunch?
Bannanas, Bibleman, and banging my head on a brick wall
The Dream of the Rood

The obligatory "New Year" post.

Welcome to 2009. How's it been for you so far? A lot like last year? Strange. What? You're thinking the new year is just another excuse for a party? Surely not! Lots of things have changed, like...er...like...the date.

Why do we love dividing time up? Is it just an excuse for a party? Is it so that by breaking it down into measurable and manageable chunks we can pretend that we can control Time, that fearsome and incomprehensible entity? "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" (Matt 6v27)

Is it so that we can breathe a sigh of relief that what may have been a problematic time is over, and vow to make a "fresh start?" Is it so that we can hope that "next year things will be better?"

2008 (and indeed the last month or so of 2007) wasn't the greatest year for me. There were good bits, and things I enjoyed, like spending time with my friends, singing in concerts and productions. But there were also disappointments- the fact that it rained nearly all my holidays, failures to get at decent job, being turned away from things I wanted to do because of people's opinions about me. There was confusion at times when I wasn't sure whether I was on the right track or what I should be doing about it. There were times when I've felt stuck in a rut, pigeon-holed by other people's opinions about who I am and unable to break out and do what I want, to use all my gifts, to live to my full potential. There were difficult relationships with other people, some breaking down for personal reasons while others were hard to keep up because of distance or busyness or lack of communication. I worried (and still do) about friends with their own problems, longing to help them but not having the words or the ways. Sometimes I felt so helpless as friends with health or emotional or employment struggles just couldn't see a way out. There were times when I just felt rubbish about myself, as if I wasn't worth anything, fed up that no matter what I tried to do, whether it was a job, singing or something at church there was always someone better than me, more qualified than me, more experienced than me. And I wasn't even able to feel angry that someone else had got a chance instead of me- because I knew they deserved it, and I didn't.

2008 feels like it's had more questions than answers, more calls to trust God than visible results of doing so. But I've still kept hold of that hope that someday things will be better, that the things I long for and pray for will happen (because some of them have). Life's on earth's never going to be perfect, I know. Especially the Christian life. Doing the right thing (in my case, what God wants) seems to mean in so many cases facing up to trouble, and yet not doing it ends up creating more trouble in the end. So in many ways I am hoping 2009 will be better. But most of all I'm hoping that I can keep trusting God, whatever happens, because I know he knows better than I do. A few answers would be nice! Sometimes I wonder if I'm missing something obvious...But ultimately "time is fleeting" and one day it'll all make sense. Until then I'll hold on to the hope that I have, because sometimes it's all I've got to hold on to.

Happy New Year to you all.