It appears I am actually, despite all appearances, (and some people's opinions) growing up. Recently I was getting worried that I might be turning into my father, since I'd noticed some of his traits and temprament in myself. Not a good thing. I'm hoping some recent events were mostly a biproduct of being stressed and not an actual trend towards getting angry when things didn't go right.
And yet now it seems I was wrong. I actually appear to be turning into my mother. Sometimes I sound like her, talk about the same things, laugh like her, even sometimes look like her or use her expressions. For ages it's been a joke amongst some of my friends that I'm something of a parent (ever since I started counting people when we were in Edinburgh a few years ago...). It probably has something to do with me almost invariably being the one who notices when the house is low on toilet roll, or a bill needs paying; and always having a tissue or safety pin.
For the last two or three years I've been going through what my friends and I call 'the marriage phase' where pretty much everyone I knew at uni or from church was getting married. Nowadays I struggle to think of couples among my friends who've been together more than a couple of months and who aren't married or engaged. Not that this is a bad thing at all, it's just one of those phases.
But it seems this phase is beginning to come to an end. So far there's only four or so weddings of couples I know happening this year. It's moving on. The 'baby phase' is beginning. Several couples, mostly two or three years older than me but including one where the wife is younger than me, are having or have had their first child this year.
It's interesting to observe. It's even more interesting to see on Facebook that people from my year at secondary school have children who are now several years old. And yet at least one friend is still surprised by the youth of the brides/grooms/parents who are a year or two older than me. Is there an 'average' age for these things? My circle of friends is affected by the number of Christians (especially of the evangelical, no sex outside marriage, sort) and perhaps this distorts the numbers in favour of early marriage. But the age of the couple leaving full time education seems to affect this too, as many of those I knew who left school at 16 or 18 are already parents compared to those who I know from university.
Perceptions of the family, and therefore the ages of each stage have changed throughout history. What 'family' can be said to mean now is an endless debate. I was amused to realise that according to official surveys and suchlike, I would probably be considered the head of my 'household' as the main income earner. Is that why I seem to be taking on the role of a parent? I doubt it- I think it's just the curse of being well organised!
So do I mind that I'm turning into my mother? Not really. It seems I'm destined to 'mother' the people around me, to care about them and worry about them, to try to help and look after them. But it could be worse!
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Wednesday, 14 April 2010
Thursday, 17 December 2009
Advent 09- Housemates
I was at a very good concert last night performed by this choir. Over the last few years many of my friends have been part of this choir, so I've been to hear them many times.
The previous few evenings had been rather different, encompassing juggling, cushion violence and random conversations. Very, very random! One thing they all had in common was late nights.
But what do these different ways of spending an evening had in common?
They all involve my housemates. And they are certainly a Good Thing.
One thing you quickly learn when you move away from home is the importance of the people you live with. It's often been said that 'friends are the family you choose for yourself' and this is certainly true with housemates. Whether it's making sure there's enough milk in the fridge or fetching medicines for someone when they're ill, housemates can make your life a misery or a joy. If you get on well with your housemates they can start taking the place of family, providing emotional and practical support for each other. You often find that that someone (or more than one) will start to take on almost parental roles. I'm a mum. I know I am.
I've been pretty fortunate with my housemates over the years. There have certainly been one or two oddities, but on the whole we've got on pretty well. Some have become very close friends- I lived with one person for five years, if you include first year halls. Some years I've worried about whether I'd be able to find anyone to live with, or whether people would be able to commit to deciding where they would live in time, but every year so far it's worked out, and I'm sure it will in the future. I believe that's an answer to prayer, especially when I see some of the stresses other people have had.
And my current housemates are lovely people, and we get on very well, and I'm very thankful to them. They might be surprised to hear it, but they are both answers to prayer. I was more worried about housing this year than any previous one, but it turned out all right in the end. I should probably learn to be more trusting!
The previous few evenings had been rather different, encompassing juggling, cushion violence and random conversations. Very, very random! One thing they all had in common was late nights.
But what do these different ways of spending an evening had in common?
They all involve my housemates. And they are certainly a Good Thing.
One thing you quickly learn when you move away from home is the importance of the people you live with. It's often been said that 'friends are the family you choose for yourself' and this is certainly true with housemates. Whether it's making sure there's enough milk in the fridge or fetching medicines for someone when they're ill, housemates can make your life a misery or a joy. If you get on well with your housemates they can start taking the place of family, providing emotional and practical support for each other. You often find that that someone (or more than one) will start to take on almost parental roles. I'm a mum. I know I am.
I've been pretty fortunate with my housemates over the years. There have certainly been one or two oddities, but on the whole we've got on pretty well. Some have become very close friends- I lived with one person for five years, if you include first year halls. Some years I've worried about whether I'd be able to find anyone to live with, or whether people would be able to commit to deciding where they would live in time, but every year so far it's worked out, and I'm sure it will in the future. I believe that's an answer to prayer, especially when I see some of the stresses other people have had.
And my current housemates are lovely people, and we get on very well, and I'm very thankful to them. They might be surprised to hear it, but they are both answers to prayer. I was more worried about housing this year than any previous one, but it turned out all right in the end. I should probably learn to be more trusting!
Thursday, 10 December 2009
Advent 09- Family
We are, of course, getting close to Christmas. Traditionally this is the time when families get together to celebrate. This can make it a difficult time, when tempers fray and patience is stretched. But families, however hard we may find them to deal with sometimes, can be great things. They can support and help us, emotionally, financially, spiritually.
I'm using family in a loose sense here. If you look at some of my previous posts you'll see why I think family is something which is nearly impossible to define. My family is by no means a simple example of the nuclear family- half siblings abound, and whenever I try explaining to someone that I was a great aunt from the age of four the room tends to go silent while everyone works out how that's possible. I have four half-siblings, but grew up as an only child because they were so much older. I have (currently) six nieces and three nephews, four great nephews and one great niece, yet only one of all these has ever called me aunt, and that was on facebook!
Now I live away from my parents, housemates and friends tend to take on some of the roles of family members. I know I sometimes find myself taking on the motherly role in my house. I enjoy the freedom of not having to consider the needs and wishes of my parents whenever I want to do something (not that I ignore those of my housemates, I hope!) but sometimes it's nice to know that there is someone around who is connected to you by more than friendship, someone who won't loose touch with you when you move away.
I'm aware that I owe a lot to my family for all they have done for me. My life would have been very different, I wouldn't have learnt the things I have or had the experiences that have made me who I am. I am especially glad that through them I was able to find out about Jesus. Relationships with parents aren't always easy, and this is certainly true for me. But I am incredibly grateful for them, even if I don't always show it. So I want to give thanks for parents and for family, for they are a Good Thing.
I'm using family in a loose sense here. If you look at some of my previous posts you'll see why I think family is something which is nearly impossible to define. My family is by no means a simple example of the nuclear family- half siblings abound, and whenever I try explaining to someone that I was a great aunt from the age of four the room tends to go silent while everyone works out how that's possible. I have four half-siblings, but grew up as an only child because they were so much older. I have (currently) six nieces and three nephews, four great nephews and one great niece, yet only one of all these has ever called me aunt, and that was on facebook!
Now I live away from my parents, housemates and friends tend to take on some of the roles of family members. I know I sometimes find myself taking on the motherly role in my house. I enjoy the freedom of not having to consider the needs and wishes of my parents whenever I want to do something (not that I ignore those of my housemates, I hope!) but sometimes it's nice to know that there is someone around who is connected to you by more than friendship, someone who won't loose touch with you when you move away.
I'm aware that I owe a lot to my family for all they have done for me. My life would have been very different, I wouldn't have learnt the things I have or had the experiences that have made me who I am. I am especially glad that through them I was able to find out about Jesus. Relationships with parents aren't always easy, and this is certainly true for me. But I am incredibly grateful for them, even if I don't always show it. So I want to give thanks for parents and for family, for they are a Good Thing.
Friday, 26 June 2009
One of those personal posts
I woke up this morning in the same mood I went to bed in: somewhat melancholy and wistful. The reasons are complicated, and partly to do with an ongoing situation which I'm not happy with, but partly to do with what I was thinking about last night.
Friends had asked me to look after their hamster and water their vegetable plants while they're on holiday. I was quite happy to agree, but it was only afterwards that I was thinking that it was rather a grown-up request. He's a year or so older than me and she is a year younger, they've been married almost a year, and although I'm not suggesting that anyone's life is perfect, in some ways I can't help feeling a little jealous.
Sometimes I feel that I- and probably other people in a similar phase of life- have most of the responsibilities of adulthood- being expected to support and take care of one's self, and probably others to some degree; not being able to get away with things that people would excuse in children or students- you get the idea. But at the same time we don't get the benefits or rewards of being grown up. People still- at least in my case- refuse much of the time to treat me as a proper adult; because I look younger than I am and still have friends who are students, because I'm single, because I don't have a proper graduate job, because I share a house with other people rather than living alone or being married, which is of course the ultimate sign that you are an adult, apart perhaps from having children.
It's not really loneliness, I have some great friends who I know I can trust and rely on- much as I poke fun at some of them! It's more a sort of wistfulness for things I don't have and don't really expect to have, at least any time soon. And a feeling that in some ways, I'm missing out. When you've grown up, as I have, with older parents you can't ignore that at some point in your life you are going to need people close to you to help you, usually family. You also can't ignore the fact that while your contemporaries' parents will be there for them for a good while yet, yours are already approaching the stage where they are the ones needing help. Perhaps knowing that they won't be here forever is one of the things making me somewhat envious of those who have found someone who will always be there for them.
Working in a solicitors' where we see a fair number of people coming in to discuss care for their elderly relatives probably adds to the feeling, as does the sheer number of friends' weddings taking place this year. It's also something it's quite hard to talk about. When I say jealous, I don't mean resentful. I'm glad my friends are happy in that respect, and I recognise too that they have their problems and worries.
I like to try and resolve these posts and put something positive at the end. But I'm struggling here. It's not that I'm incredibly upset or anything about this, it's just a sort of background feeling that's occasionally brought to the fore by something, and makes me go quiet and thoughtful for a bit. In a way trying to rationalise feelings doesn't really work, because they're not completely rational. I guess I need to remember that I have got some great friends, even if they're not all as close as I would like, and that I have a lot to be glad about. And to avoid sitting in church feeling annoyed because certain preachers assume that everyone is (or at least soon will be) married.
P.S. And to continue the theme of the day... news that another baby will be joining my extended family. So come Christmas I'll be getting yet more of the 'when will it be your turn?' questions and looks. Ah well!
Friday, 13 March 2009
My faith
I thought I'd follow up my post on faith and what it is by describing my own faith, and how I came to have it, in the hope it might make the previous post make more sense.
So, where did it all begin? Like so many Christians, I was fortunate enough to grow up in a family where my parents had faith and shared it with me from a young age. My father still has the pictures that he drew to amuse me in church when I was only a toddler. Then I moved on to Sunday school (or junior church as we called it) and went through the various age groups until I was about 11, by which point I was the only person in the church between the ages of about 6 and 45. Fed up with just being expected to help the smaller children rather than learning anything myself, I started going into "big church" to sit with my mother (my dad was usually at another of our group of churches preaching).
I think that's when I learnt not to blindly accept everything one is taught (whoever is doing the teaching), but to critically evaluate it against what you already know. Methodist churches have what I think is a very good practice of encouraging (trained) lay people to preach, but some of the local preachers didn't have such a good grasp of the centre of the faith and biblical teaching as perhaps they should have done. I've heard some 20 minute sermons where it's 15 minutes into the talk before God or the Bible was even mentioned! But I did learn, not just from church services but also from reading by myself.
I've always loved reading. As a small child my parents read with me, not just Thomas the Tank Engine and Mog the cat but children's bible story books (I hope I still have them somewhere!) and went through activity books based round bible stories with me. When I got older I read fiction books by Christian authors, and (with periods of not being bothered) used children's bible study notes. What I missed out on was the joy of being with other people my age who shared my beliefs, worshipping and learning with them and being able to share experiences and difficulties. There simply weren't any young people's groups locally. Every summer I went to a holiday club run by a church in Norwich, which gave me a real 'buzz' and a sense of what I was missing the rest of the year. I probably learnt more in a week there than I did the rest of the year at my own church.
All this might sound to some people suspiciously like indoctrination. They'd say that children brought up in this kind of environment can't choose whether or not to be part of a faith. They protest that children shouldn't be forced into something they might otherwise have chosen to reject. I understand their objections, but really don't think they need to worry. Many young people do reject their parents' faith in their teens, either because they decide it's not for them or because once they have the option they just don't care any more. That's a problem the church has to address. And merely taking part in the rituals and routeins of church life doesn't make you a Christian- it's the decision to accept Jesus Christ as Lord and Saviour which does that, and that is something between the individual and God, at whatever age the commitment is made.
I made that decision for myself at about the age of eight, as the result of a book I'd been reading (Treasures of the Snow by Patricia St John, a bit old-fashioned but that's not something you realise aged 8!). I think the main thing that influenced me was the idea that God was bigger than all our problems and would be with us all the time and we wouldn't need to be afraid. I just prayed and asked Jesus to "come in" to my life. It wasn't a big deal and I don't remember telling anyone about it at the time, or feeling any different because of the decision. I don't think children find these things as strange or creepy as adults do.
I'd never been a popular child and had experienced a bit of bullying during primary school, but once I'd got to secondary school this got a lot worse. A lot of it was to do with ways in which I was different from other people- I didn't swear, for example,- many of which had something to do with my faith. People I had thought were friends started to either join in the bullying or just ignore it- standing out was dangerous and would have led to them being bullied too. I was hurt by this betrayal, as it seemed, and tended to spend a lot of time by myself. I was lonely, but I knew God was with me and cared about me, even if I didn't understand why my prayers asking for friends and freedom from the bullies weren't answered.
Like many Christians, I often experienced doubts- what if I've got it wrong? What if there is no God, or if I've got the wrong one? When I was fifteen I went on a holiday run by Scripture Union called Harriers. That was the first time in years I had been with other Christians my own age, and I learnt so much and had a great time (and went back for the next six years). It was also the first time that I can say I had an experience of the Holy Spirit. While we were singing the worship song My Jesus, My saviour I suddenly knew that it was true. Jesus was my saviour, he loved me, even though I didn't deserve it. From then on I have had very few doubts about God's existence, because I know he is real. I've felt him at work in my life. Again, it wasn't something to shout about, nothing exciting, but enough to convince me of the reality of God. Not everyone has an experience like that which they can point. And of course my faith in God rests on far more than just one evening's experience.
So there you are. Once I got to uni and joined the Christian Union and St Michael le Belfrey church, my journey of faith changed course and seemed to move up a gear as I learnt a lot about God and began to discover what his plan for me might be. But the really important bit was that by then I had decided that I trusted God. I made the decision, on the basis of hearing about God, that I wanted to know him, to be his friend. So I'd asked him to be part of my life, and he became part of what I was and am. My life would probably have been very different if I hadn't made that decision. But I'm glad I did.
So, where did it all begin? Like so many Christians, I was fortunate enough to grow up in a family where my parents had faith and shared it with me from a young age. My father still has the pictures that he drew to amuse me in church when I was only a toddler. Then I moved on to Sunday school (or junior church as we called it) and went through the various age groups until I was about 11, by which point I was the only person in the church between the ages of about 6 and 45. Fed up with just being expected to help the smaller children rather than learning anything myself, I started going into "big church" to sit with my mother (my dad was usually at another of our group of churches preaching).
I think that's when I learnt not to blindly accept everything one is taught (whoever is doing the teaching), but to critically evaluate it against what you already know. Methodist churches have what I think is a very good practice of encouraging (trained) lay people to preach, but some of the local preachers didn't have such a good grasp of the centre of the faith and biblical teaching as perhaps they should have done. I've heard some 20 minute sermons where it's 15 minutes into the talk before God or the Bible was even mentioned! But I did learn, not just from church services but also from reading by myself.
I've always loved reading. As a small child my parents read with me, not just Thomas the Tank Engine and Mog the cat but children's bible story books (I hope I still have them somewhere!) and went through activity books based round bible stories with me. When I got older I read fiction books by Christian authors, and (with periods of not being bothered) used children's bible study notes. What I missed out on was the joy of being with other people my age who shared my beliefs, worshipping and learning with them and being able to share experiences and difficulties. There simply weren't any young people's groups locally. Every summer I went to a holiday club run by a church in Norwich, which gave me a real 'buzz' and a sense of what I was missing the rest of the year. I probably learnt more in a week there than I did the rest of the year at my own church.
All this might sound to some people suspiciously like indoctrination. They'd say that children brought up in this kind of environment can't choose whether or not to be part of a faith. They protest that children shouldn't be forced into something they might otherwise have chosen to reject. I understand their objections, but really don't think they need to worry. Many young people do reject their parents' faith in their teens, either because they decide it's not for them or because once they have the option they just don't care any more. That's a problem the church has to address. And merely taking part in the rituals and routeins of church life doesn't make you a Christian- it's the decision to accept Jesus Christ as Lord and Saviour which does that, and that is something between the individual and God, at whatever age the commitment is made.
I made that decision for myself at about the age of eight, as the result of a book I'd been reading (Treasures of the Snow by Patricia St John, a bit old-fashioned but that's not something you realise aged 8!). I think the main thing that influenced me was the idea that God was bigger than all our problems and would be with us all the time and we wouldn't need to be afraid. I just prayed and asked Jesus to "come in" to my life. It wasn't a big deal and I don't remember telling anyone about it at the time, or feeling any different because of the decision. I don't think children find these things as strange or creepy as adults do.
I'd never been a popular child and had experienced a bit of bullying during primary school, but once I'd got to secondary school this got a lot worse. A lot of it was to do with ways in which I was different from other people- I didn't swear, for example,- many of which had something to do with my faith. People I had thought were friends started to either join in the bullying or just ignore it- standing out was dangerous and would have led to them being bullied too. I was hurt by this betrayal, as it seemed, and tended to spend a lot of time by myself. I was lonely, but I knew God was with me and cared about me, even if I didn't understand why my prayers asking for friends and freedom from the bullies weren't answered.
Like many Christians, I often experienced doubts- what if I've got it wrong? What if there is no God, or if I've got the wrong one? When I was fifteen I went on a holiday run by Scripture Union called Harriers. That was the first time in years I had been with other Christians my own age, and I learnt so much and had a great time (and went back for the next six years). It was also the first time that I can say I had an experience of the Holy Spirit. While we were singing the worship song My Jesus, My saviour I suddenly knew that it was true. Jesus was my saviour, he loved me, even though I didn't deserve it. From then on I have had very few doubts about God's existence, because I know he is real. I've felt him at work in my life. Again, it wasn't something to shout about, nothing exciting, but enough to convince me of the reality of God. Not everyone has an experience like that which they can point. And of course my faith in God rests on far more than just one evening's experience.
So there you are. Once I got to uni and joined the Christian Union and St Michael le Belfrey church, my journey of faith changed course and seemed to move up a gear as I learnt a lot about God and began to discover what his plan for me might be. But the really important bit was that by then I had decided that I trusted God. I made the decision, on the basis of hearing about God, that I wanted to know him, to be his friend. So I'd asked him to be part of my life, and he became part of what I was and am. My life would probably have been very different if I hadn't made that decision. But I'm glad I did.
Tuesday, 3 March 2009
Facing the uncertain future
My mother came to visit at the weekend. Whilst I love spending time with her and hearing about the rest of the family, it always (unintentionally) serves to remind me about things I'd prefer not to dwell on. My parents are both fairly elderly, and I know I can't expect them to be around forever. It's even possible that I, being without other ties, might find myself in a position where I have to look after and take responsibility for them.
It reminds me of something I am afraid of. In a few years I'm likely to have to face being alone in the world, without people who I can call on for back up if everything goes wrong. The rest of my family are scattered around the country, but none live near me, and they all have their own families (spouses, children) and own priorities, so I'm not that close to any of them.
I have friends whom I love and trust, but I know only too well that once people are separated by distance or gain other priorities like careers or partners, it's easy to drift apart. Communication, even in the current digital age, has to be a two-way thing, and I know some of my closest friends struggle with that even when they're only away for a few weeks. I've often struggle with making friends, and I've had so many 'friends' who it's turned out don't really care, or who haven't kept in contact once they moved away. I am so grateful for those who do listen and are there when I need someone. And who I can be there for- the reciprocal side of friendship.
There's a general apprehension of the impermanence of my current situation. My current job, while (hopefully) stable is not something I want to do for any longer than I have to (mainly for financial reasons). I need to find somewhere to live (and people to live with) from the summer, and that's made more complicated by the fact that I don't earn much and that many of my friends (and potential housemates) are uncertain of their own futures.
I wouldn't describe my attitude towards the future as fear, or even as worry (most of the time!) although there are some pretty daunting challenges to face up to. I know that I can rely on God, I trust that whatever happens is part of his plan- even though I don't understand how- and that even if it seems rubbish good will come of it. I wouldn't want to be without that certainty. And part of me says that God is always with me, whatever happens, so I don't need to worry about being alone. But while I know that's true, it doesn't stop me wishing. God created us for relationships- with friends, most of all with him- and he frequently used friends to do his work in comforting and helping us.
It's a selfish want, of course, but I do wish, sometimes, that I could have the security of knowing that there will always be someone- a friend, a partner; whatever, just someone- who I can go to when I'm in trouble, who I can rely on to be there when I need them. Because yes, I'm afraid that in a few years' time there will be no one left who can say they love me.
It reminds me of something I am afraid of. In a few years I'm likely to have to face being alone in the world, without people who I can call on for back up if everything goes wrong. The rest of my family are scattered around the country, but none live near me, and they all have their own families (spouses, children) and own priorities, so I'm not that close to any of them.
I have friends whom I love and trust, but I know only too well that once people are separated by distance or gain other priorities like careers or partners, it's easy to drift apart. Communication, even in the current digital age, has to be a two-way thing, and I know some of my closest friends struggle with that even when they're only away for a few weeks. I've often struggle with making friends, and I've had so many 'friends' who it's turned out don't really care, or who haven't kept in contact once they moved away. I am so grateful for those who do listen and are there when I need someone. And who I can be there for- the reciprocal side of friendship.
There's a general apprehension of the impermanence of my current situation. My current job, while (hopefully) stable is not something I want to do for any longer than I have to (mainly for financial reasons). I need to find somewhere to live (and people to live with) from the summer, and that's made more complicated by the fact that I don't earn much and that many of my friends (and potential housemates) are uncertain of their own futures.
I wouldn't describe my attitude towards the future as fear, or even as worry (most of the time!) although there are some pretty daunting challenges to face up to. I know that I can rely on God, I trust that whatever happens is part of his plan- even though I don't understand how- and that even if it seems rubbish good will come of it. I wouldn't want to be without that certainty. And part of me says that God is always with me, whatever happens, so I don't need to worry about being alone. But while I know that's true, it doesn't stop me wishing. God created us for relationships- with friends, most of all with him- and he frequently used friends to do his work in comforting and helping us.
It's a selfish want, of course, but I do wish, sometimes, that I could have the security of knowing that there will always be someone- a friend, a partner; whatever, just someone- who I can go to when I'm in trouble, who I can rely on to be there when I need them. Because yes, I'm afraid that in a few years' time there will be no one left who can say they love me.
Wednesday, 14 January 2009
Aaaargh! Mind the pedestrian!
I've finally got round to booking driving lessons. I've been intending to do this for about 18 months, but a combination of factors (unemployment, being too busy/ lazy) have prevented me. But now it's done, avoid the streets of York on the morning of 22nd January and subsequent Thursday mornings. Incidentally, one of the benefits of not having found a full time job yet is that I will be able to start learning in the mornings, while it's still light, rather than it taking up one of my precious few free evenings.
To be honest, one of the reasons I've not started learning yet is that I'm scared. The idea, at 17, of being in control of this big, complicated lump of metal that could kill people and damage property seemed terrifying. I had no particular reason to want to learn, so I didn't. The idea still does scare me. There seems to be so much to remember, to do, to learn, let alone the tests themselves. Having not had an exam for several years now the tests alone seem quite scary! And just knowing that I'll get things wrong in lessons, and quite likely fail the test once or twice- I'm not sure if my rather low self-confidence will be able to stand it!
Then there's all the bother and expense of owning a car- tax, insurance, maintenance, security, parking costs, breakdown cover...the list goes on. Not to mention the environmental impact.
However, I now have reasons to learn. From an employment point of view, especially if, as I'd love to, I end up working for/ in the church, it widens what I can apply for and how useful I can be. From a personal point of view, I know my parents have helped me a lot, even since I left home, whenever it's been necessary to cart all my belongings from house to house or from one end of the country to the other. But both of them are getting older, and I know I can't rely on this help for much longer. Also, if either of them ever need my help, I want to be able to get to them as quickly as possible, wherever they are, and if necessary help transport them.
Environmentally, I know more cars are bad. Despite the reasons above, I do feel slightly guilty at giving in to the cultural pressure that expects every 'proper adult' to have a car. And I know that if I had a car I would probably use a it in some situations where I now walk, or use public transport, because it saves time, is safer than walking alone at night or easier than trying to transport 5 people, two tents and various bits of camping equipment by train and on foot. What I hope it wouldn't do is stop me walking most places- I enjoy walking, it's good exercise and it's environmentally friendly. I would probably still use public transport over most long distances, too.
So I'm going to learn. I'm still rather scared, but hoping that it won't be as bad as I fear! If you're a praying person, please do pray for me. And if a car with L=plates swerves madly across the road in front of you, please forgive me- I'm only learning!
To be honest, one of the reasons I've not started learning yet is that I'm scared. The idea, at 17, of being in control of this big, complicated lump of metal that could kill people and damage property seemed terrifying. I had no particular reason to want to learn, so I didn't. The idea still does scare me. There seems to be so much to remember, to do, to learn, let alone the tests themselves. Having not had an exam for several years now the tests alone seem quite scary! And just knowing that I'll get things wrong in lessons, and quite likely fail the test once or twice- I'm not sure if my rather low self-confidence will be able to stand it!
Then there's all the bother and expense of owning a car- tax, insurance, maintenance, security, parking costs, breakdown cover...the list goes on. Not to mention the environmental impact.
However, I now have reasons to learn. From an employment point of view, especially if, as I'd love to, I end up working for/ in the church, it widens what I can apply for and how useful I can be. From a personal point of view, I know my parents have helped me a lot, even since I left home, whenever it's been necessary to cart all my belongings from house to house or from one end of the country to the other. But both of them are getting older, and I know I can't rely on this help for much longer. Also, if either of them ever need my help, I want to be able to get to them as quickly as possible, wherever they are, and if necessary help transport them.
Environmentally, I know more cars are bad. Despite the reasons above, I do feel slightly guilty at giving in to the cultural pressure that expects every 'proper adult' to have a car. And I know that if I had a car I would probably use a it in some situations where I now walk, or use public transport, because it saves time, is safer than walking alone at night or easier than trying to transport 5 people, two tents and various bits of camping equipment by train and on foot. What I hope it wouldn't do is stop me walking most places- I enjoy walking, it's good exercise and it's environmentally friendly. I would probably still use public transport over most long distances, too.
So I'm going to learn. I'm still rather scared, but hoping that it won't be as bad as I fear! If you're a praying person, please do pray for me. And if a car with L=plates swerves madly across the road in front of you, please forgive me- I'm only learning!
Thursday, 16 October 2008
Family? What's that?
My recent rant on the subject of family reminded me of a Scripture Union Council weekend some years ago where we spent a long time trying to define what ministry to "families" might be, and even longer trying to define what a "family" actually was. Some time later I did a course on "The Family" in history as part of my degree where we began with a similar discussion but came no closer to a definition. Even after completing the course and studying families in early modern Japan, medieval England, Renaissance Italy, the Caribbean during slavery, the Russian pesantry and North American Indians (among other contexts) we were still no closer to a definition, if anything we were further from one. There is just so much variety! Every definition has problems with it. In the end I think my conclusion is this: family are those people who we consider our selves related to. We know what we mean when we talk of "our family" but everyone's opinion is likely to be slightly different. I'm not pretending this definition is any better than anyone else's, and it certainly has plenty of problems with it.
Recently I was reading the section at the end of Colossians chapter 3/ beginning of chapter 4 that in my Bible is entitled "Rules for Christian households." It talks of three relationships within the household: husband to wife (and vice versa), parent to child (and vice versa), and slave to master (and vice versa, today this might be at least partly covered by saying employee to employer).
I wondered how these applied to modern households. Many people, of course, still live in households which contain one or two of the relationships described (I hope no one in this country has slaves in their household, although for the well off live-in nannies or other servants are still part of their employer's household). For those who do live in "traditional" households, the commands to husbands to love and respect their wives or parents not to embitter their children still sound like good advice to me. (I'm not advocating unconditional female submission to male authority here, just in case you were wondering. There's a lot more in the passage than that and I very much doubt it was what Paul meant anyhow. But that's for another time.)
But as I said yesterday, I live in a shared house where none of us (I imagine) would say we were a family or related to each other except as friends. And this style of household which was unknown in the first century AD is not uncommon in the twenty-first. So how could these rules apply to us, and households like us?
I think the key may be in something Jackie Cray said in commenting on this passage on the WordLive site. (if you don't know it, take a look. It's great!)
"Whatever role we find ourselves in, we are to live for the Lord, serving and living peacefully (in harmony) with others."
And that certainly applies to housemates- helping each other, not getting cross when the washing up starts to accumulate or someone's playing their music too loud, trying to reach amicable compromises when things really do go wrong, cutting people a bit of slack when they've had a bad day...the list goes on. It's the attitude that Paul's trying to get across here, not the specific relationship. It all goes back to Jesus' command: "Love your neighbour as yourself." Or again "Love one another as I have loved you." Do that and I don't think you can go far wrong, whether it's your mother or father, son or daughter, husband or wife, employer or employee or housemate or friend or that bloke at the office that you really can't stand that you're loving.
Recently I was reading the section at the end of Colossians chapter 3/ beginning of chapter 4 that in my Bible is entitled "Rules for Christian households." It talks of three relationships within the household: husband to wife (and vice versa), parent to child (and vice versa), and slave to master (and vice versa, today this might be at least partly covered by saying employee to employer).
I wondered how these applied to modern households. Many people, of course, still live in households which contain one or two of the relationships described (I hope no one in this country has slaves in their household, although for the well off live-in nannies or other servants are still part of their employer's household). For those who do live in "traditional" households, the commands to husbands to love and respect their wives or parents not to embitter their children still sound like good advice to me. (I'm not advocating unconditional female submission to male authority here, just in case you were wondering. There's a lot more in the passage than that and I very much doubt it was what Paul meant anyhow. But that's for another time.)
But as I said yesterday, I live in a shared house where none of us (I imagine) would say we were a family or related to each other except as friends. And this style of household which was unknown in the first century AD is not uncommon in the twenty-first. So how could these rules apply to us, and households like us?
I think the key may be in something Jackie Cray said in commenting on this passage on the WordLive site. (if you don't know it, take a look. It's great!)
"Whatever role we find ourselves in, we are to live for the Lord, serving and living peacefully (in harmony) with others."
And that certainly applies to housemates- helping each other, not getting cross when the washing up starts to accumulate or someone's playing their music too loud, trying to reach amicable compromises when things really do go wrong, cutting people a bit of slack when they've had a bad day...the list goes on. It's the attitude that Paul's trying to get across here, not the specific relationship. It all goes back to Jesus' command: "Love your neighbour as yourself." Or again "Love one another as I have loved you." Do that and I don't think you can go far wrong, whether it's your mother or father, son or daughter, husband or wife, employer or employee or housemate or friend or that bloke at the office that you really can't stand that you're loving.
Tuesday, 14 October 2008
Life outside the family
With so much in the media about the credit crunch and financial collapse, one question keeps coming back to me, and it doesn't seem to be one the politicians are interested in. It's that you only ever hear about families being hit hard by financial difficulties.
Now, I happen to like families. In an ideal world, it would be nice if evey child could grow up with parents who loved and cared for him or her. It would be great if men and women fell in love, got married, and lived happily together ever after. And undoubtedly, if you've got children to think about it adds a whole new level of anxiety to financial pressures. But my point is that not everyone lives in a family, but everyone is being hit by higher prices and bills, and not everyone is getting help. There are some good reasons why person A should get help and person B shouldn't, but to me a lot of it seems quite arbitrary.
Unfortunatly we don't live in an ideal world, but in this world, where families break up and many people live on their own, are single parents, or live in shared houses. Not just students, but young working people share a house with one or more other people. It's cheaper, it's probably more environmentally friendly and it provides some of the support of a family while still preserving the independence of individuals. I live in a shared, rented house. Out of the four of us, two are currently employed (one part time, one full time, neither of us earning huge amounts), one is unemployed and the fourth a student.
Because we live in a good sized house, we pay the same amount of council tax as a family, but because we're young and not a family we're not eligible for the same help (eg tax credits) we would get if we were. Because two out of the four of us are working, we don't qualify for other forms of help because council tax is based on the model family of two adults living in each and every house in the country (in other words, based on something that is largely a myth). The system is too inflexible to cope with our "unusual" household- or even to issue us accurate bills, it seems. We pay the same for heating and fuel bills as we would if we owned our home, but are not able to take advantage of the schemes to help with insulation and double glazing, thus reducing fuel bills, as we would if we owned it. Maybe we could pressure our landlords to do so, but what incentive do they have? It doesn't directly affect them.
Because we're young and unmarried (and don't have kids) it's assumed that we can look after ourselves without any other help. The thing that annoys me the most is perhaps the difference in the minimum wage- why should you be allowed to pay a 21 year old less than a 22 year old, if both are doing the same work and both are living independently? Why is someone who's over 25 able to claim tax credits, but not someone under 25?
This has turned into a bit of a rant, and I don't think it'll be the last on this topic. Last night (just as I got home from work) somebody from the Office of National Statistics turned up to ask lots of questions about who lives in the house, what jobs do they do, etc etc. It took several minutes to explain that this was a shared house, where none of us were related or in a relationship with each other, but not a student house. It took even longer for his computer system to get to grips with this. And as for the fact that two of the people who'd been there last year had moved out while two more moved in and two stayed the same...it was complicated, to say the least. It even asked if I was a baby less than three months old...sometimes I wish I was. Life would be a lot simpler!
Now, I happen to like families. In an ideal world, it would be nice if evey child could grow up with parents who loved and cared for him or her. It would be great if men and women fell in love, got married, and lived happily together ever after. And undoubtedly, if you've got children to think about it adds a whole new level of anxiety to financial pressures. But my point is that not everyone lives in a family, but everyone is being hit by higher prices and bills, and not everyone is getting help. There are some good reasons why person A should get help and person B shouldn't, but to me a lot of it seems quite arbitrary.
Unfortunatly we don't live in an ideal world, but in this world, where families break up and many people live on their own, are single parents, or live in shared houses. Not just students, but young working people share a house with one or more other people. It's cheaper, it's probably more environmentally friendly and it provides some of the support of a family while still preserving the independence of individuals. I live in a shared, rented house. Out of the four of us, two are currently employed (one part time, one full time, neither of us earning huge amounts), one is unemployed and the fourth a student.
Because we live in a good sized house, we pay the same amount of council tax as a family, but because we're young and not a family we're not eligible for the same help (eg tax credits) we would get if we were. Because two out of the four of us are working, we don't qualify for other forms of help because council tax is based on the model family of two adults living in each and every house in the country (in other words, based on something that is largely a myth). The system is too inflexible to cope with our "unusual" household- or even to issue us accurate bills, it seems. We pay the same for heating and fuel bills as we would if we owned our home, but are not able to take advantage of the schemes to help with insulation and double glazing, thus reducing fuel bills, as we would if we owned it. Maybe we could pressure our landlords to do so, but what incentive do they have? It doesn't directly affect them.
Because we're young and unmarried (and don't have kids) it's assumed that we can look after ourselves without any other help. The thing that annoys me the most is perhaps the difference in the minimum wage- why should you be allowed to pay a 21 year old less than a 22 year old, if both are doing the same work and both are living independently? Why is someone who's over 25 able to claim tax credits, but not someone under 25?
This has turned into a bit of a rant, and I don't think it'll be the last on this topic. Last night (just as I got home from work) somebody from the Office of National Statistics turned up to ask lots of questions about who lives in the house, what jobs do they do, etc etc. It took several minutes to explain that this was a shared house, where none of us were related or in a relationship with each other, but not a student house. It took even longer for his computer system to get to grips with this. And as for the fact that two of the people who'd been there last year had moved out while two more moved in and two stayed the same...it was complicated, to say the least. It even asked if I was a baby less than three months old...sometimes I wish I was. Life would be a lot simpler!
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