One of those personal posts

I woke up this morning in the same mood I went to bed in: somewhat melancholy and wistful. The reasons are complicated, and partly to do with an ongoing situation which I'm not happy with, but partly to do with what I was thinking about last night.

Friends had asked me to look after their hamster and water their vegetable plants while they're on holiday. I was quite happy to agree, but it was only afterwards that I was thinking that it was rather a grown-up request. He's a year or so older than me and she is a year younger, they've been married almost a year, and although I'm not suggesting that anyone's life is perfect, in some ways I can't help feeling a little jealous.

Sometimes I feel that I- and probably other people in a similar phase of life- have most of the responsibilities of adulthood- being expected to support and take care of one's self, and probably others to some degree; not being able to get away with things that people would excuse in children or students- you get the idea. But at the same time we don't get the benefits or rewards of being grown up. People still- at least in my case- refuse much of the time to treat me as a proper adult; because I look younger than I am and still have friends who are students, because I'm single, because I don't have a proper graduate job, because I share a house with other people rather than living alone or being married, which is of course the ultimate sign that you are an adult, apart perhaps from having children.

It's not really loneliness, I have some great friends who I know I can trust and rely on- much as I poke fun at some of them! It's more a sort of wistfulness for things I don't have and don't really expect to have, at least any time soon. And a feeling that in some ways, I'm missing out. When you've grown up, as I have, with older parents you can't ignore that at some point in your life you are going to need people close to you to help you, usually family. You also can't ignore the fact that while your contemporaries' parents will be there for them for a good while yet, yours are already approaching the stage where they are the ones needing help. Perhaps knowing that they won't be here forever is one of the things making me somewhat envious of those who have found someone who will always be there for them.

Working in a solicitors' where we see a fair number of people coming in to discuss care for their elderly relatives probably adds to the feeling, as does the sheer number of friends' weddings taking place this year. It's also something it's quite hard to talk about. When I say jealous, I don't mean resentful. I'm glad my friends are happy in that respect, and I recognise too that they have their problems and worries.

I like to try and resolve these posts and put something positive at the end. But I'm struggling here. It's not that I'm incredibly upset or anything about this, it's just a sort of background feeling that's occasionally brought to the fore by something, and makes me go quiet and thoughtful for a bit. In a way trying to rationalise feelings doesn't really work, because they're not completely rational. I guess I need to remember that I have got some great friends, even if they're not all as close as I would like, and that I have a lot to be glad about. And to avoid sitting in church feeling annoyed because certain preachers assume that everyone is (or at least soon will be) married.

P.S. And to continue the theme of the day... news that another baby will be joining my extended family. So come Christmas I'll be getting yet more of the 'when will it be your turn?' questions and looks. Ah well!

Luxury or necessity?

I heard an item on the radio last night which annoyed me. It was one of those stories where they talk to people who are supposed to be suffering as a result of the recession. The lady they were talking to this time had lost her above averagely paid job a few months ago and hadn't been able to find another. Now, apparently she is struggling financially- to the extent that she can't afford foreign holidays or to replace a sofa.

Well, of course I'm sorry for her. Being made redundant isn't pleasant, nor is having to reduce your standard of living. But really, these kind of stories show how little some people know about who is really suffering- about who is really at the bottom of the ladder. Not being able to afford foreign holidays or new furniture isn't pleasant. But compared to struggling to pay your rent, or utility bills, it's a whole different territory. She bemoaned the fact that she was having to draw on her savings for her old age. While I can see her concern that she might be worse off in some years time as a result, at least she's had the kind of job where she has been able to build up savings. Some of us aren't that fortunate.

Sometimes I think we can forget that the things we consider a usual part of life are in fact luxuries. For many people across the world, even being able to have a solid roof over their head and enough food to not be hungry are more than they can hope for. Even in this country, there are people who struggle for basic necessities- who get to the end of the month not sure if they'll have enough for rent, or food. Compared to that, not being able to replace a sofa somehow doesn't seem to me to be important. It's like another radio item I heard some time ago where they gave an example of a 'low' salary of around £20,000 a year. While that may well be low compared to the likes of the BA boss's £61,000 a month, but compared to a full time minimum wage salary of around £11,000 a year it's still quite good money.

And talking of BA, and their asking their employees to work unpaid for up to a month or take unpaid leave- well, I can see why they've done it, and why many workers will probably take them up on the scheme. Better to earn a bit less money and still have a job than to quite possibly loose your job if the company struggles. And the chief executive is leading by example.

Except that the chief executive probably earns more in one month than many of his employees do in 5 years. So I don't really think it's really going to be much of a struggle for him. Whereas for some of them it could mean tightened belts- and fewer foreign holidays.

Perhaps rather than forgoing his salary for a month he should offer to take the salary of a baggage handler or check-in staff for a year- that might teach him a thing or two about managing!

Transcendence

I spent yesterday evening parading around York minster, wearing a white robey-thing and gold embroidered collarey-thing (you can tell I'm not well up on vestments, can't you?) and carrying a candle, next to somebody carrying a cross and following someone else with a censor (smelly thing, rather than editing tool!)

I'm not someone who usually takes part in- or enjoys- the sort of worship (sometimes called 'high church') which these things are usually features of. But having been asked by a friend to help out at Transcendence, I was happy to say yes and try something very different to my normal style of worship.

I've been to Transcendence a couple of times. It's a monthly service in York Minster, run as a joint project by the Minster and the Visions community, which is attached to my church, St Mike's. Transcendence is a mix of old and new, of ritual and freedom: there are old chants and hymns set to modern dance beats; there's communion given by priests in vestments from the Minster's old silverware, while the words are projected onto big screens and some people are sat on beanbags. There's a procession to another part of the church where the gospel is read and a short talk given (holding the candle up during that was probably good for building up my arm muscles!) after which people can go off to different 'prayer stations' where there are interactive things to do or to look at to help you pray, such as kneading dough or placing shards of pottery on an outline of a cup.

What I like about it is the sense of history, the ability to connect somehow with all the people who've worshiped in this building before you, who've taken communion from these chalices, who've stood and gazed at these windows. There's space and time to think about these things and to pray. And it's good to have a change sometimes, to get away from what we're used to and learn to look at things in another light.

Transcendence (well, Visions) is part of the Fresh Expressions movement in the Church of England- a group which is exploring different ways of 'doing church' or 'being church' in an effort to connect with people. Church can often seem weird or unwelcoming, or people can struggle to concentrate through long sermons- so new types of service are being developed to help people who maybe aren't used to 'traditional' services feel welcomed and part of the church.

There's an article in the Telegraph here about this- it mentions Sue Wallace, who's the person behind Transcendence. Although the article is good, it's a shame that they've managed to find someone who obviously disagrees with the whole idea. I don't quite see why, it's not intended as a replacement for traditional services, just an alternative for those who find that they don't help them to worship. The point is to worship God, and to learn from him. If a service does that, surely it's doing the right thing?

As for his comment that "it'll make people think that we're eccentric and silly..." Well, I've got news for him. That's what most people think about the church now, precisely because it so often hasn't changed with the times. I would hope that he's willing to visit a Fresh Expressions service, and see that there's plenty of depth there, and that it's not silly and is attracting people to Jesus- which is, after all, what the church is supposed to be for.

So I'd encourage you to come along next time Transcendence is on (12th July and 9th August are the next two in York Minster) and see what you think. It's probably not what you're used to, but whether you're a regular churchgoer or not, then I think you'll find something to think about.